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COCKTALES

There are very few times when the telling of a good drinking story is inappropriate.  This is a collection of such tales.  

Got a tale worth telling? Go to Submissions

Boozing on a Budget

by Stendhal, March 26, 2023


 We’ve all been there. It's Friday night and you've paid all the bills to prevent becoming homeless, having your power disconnected, and averting a car repossession. But now there's only twenty bucks left and a drink is needed more than ever. Seasoned drinkers will take this budget as a challenge to be overcome, rather than suffering the indignity of a sober weekend...


Read

Everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day

by Chris Drew, March 18, 2023


..."Holy Mother of Christ!" There was a huge tattoo. Not just any tattoo, but one with all the colors of the rainbow. A "Lucky Charms" horror of marshmallow hearts, pots of gold, orange stars and emerald clovers danced like diamonds off a man-in-the-moon design. At the bottom of the hideous spectacle sat a pink poodle with a periwinkle butterfly sitting on its nose. To make matters worse, his private parts had been shaved...


Read

Friends, Lovers, and Wailing

by Hugh Blanton, March 12, 2023


...the "Big Terrible Thing" is alcohol. Perry emphatically states in the prologue "I didn't write all this so anyone will feel sorry for me," and that's not even the biggest line of bullshit in the book. It gets bigger, much bigger...


Read

Recalling Dad on his Birthday, a Son's Recollection

by Bill Cushing, February 25, 2023


...After the ritual of chilling a can down to optimal temperature, he settled into his favorite armchair, all set to become a light beer pioneer...


A memory of  the author's father, as he sampled light beer for the first time. 


Read

New Bartender

by Colin Deal, February 15, 2023


...were you a hot little number at some point?

it’s hard to imagine

with your nightmarishly ratty, badly dyed hair

and your methadone dentil work

and your stupid butterfly tattoo over your left tit

and your insistence on calling me “hun”

fill my glass and leave me the fuck alone...


Read

Dregs

by J. K. Durick, February 8, 2023


Fearing the dregs,

The bottom of

The bottle

I head out to

The nearest store...


Read

FAIRY

by Ryan Coke, January 28, 2023


She walked into the restaurant and changed everything.  A small, single-strapped dark green dress hung tight from her hips. She had electric hair and a full-lipped smile... This woman’s eyes spoke of a hunger for life, death was far from her mind....


Read

A.O.M.U.

by Kees Kapteyn, January 20, 2023


... Another beer. I haven’t had enough. I still feel the same. Somewhere down there, the little fucker is hiding, trying not to drown, that little niggling ball of anxiety. I’m going to dilute him until he tastes like rotten barley and I get to burp out his last breath...


Read

High School Days

by Rp Verlaine, January 15, 2023


All edge,

thinner than

we’d ever be again,

with no sense

of consequence.


Read

Throwing Them Back

by Mike Dailey, January 12, 2023


Throw’em back

With a bottle of Jack... 


Read

2 Incontinent Men

by Kees Kapteyn, January 9, 2023


I live alone. I’m alone because I’m fat, I’m ugly, I drink too much and I fucked off on my wife and two sons. My sons are almost in their thirties now and they haven’t talked to me in ten years because I’m a right dishonourable asshole. I’ve gotten what I deserve in life because it’s what I’ve worked for, which is nothing. So I’m alone... 


Read

Spin and Fall

by J. K. Durick, January 6, 2023


I remember it as a kids’ game – I’d spin

around and around, around long enough

till I became dizzy...


Read

Smooth as Silk

by Hugh Blanton, January 2, 2023


The bottom shelf is the place frugal drunkards go to find true love. That's the place where whiskeys can be found that keep a drinker drunk without consuming an entire paycheck or draining a bank account. The bottom shelf is where "notes" and "finishes" are undesired and meaningless—it's where you go when you want nothing more than to get drunk. And the top dog of the bottom shelf is Kessler Whiskey. 


Read

The Twilight Lounge

by Colin Deal, December 24, 2022


Who the fuck goes out for dinner on Christmas Eve?

It is your first year away at school and you’re working as a waiter at a high-end Italian restaurant. It’s packed with customers right up until you close at 7:00 P.M. You knew that this would be the case and have plans to leave straight from work to make the three-hour trip home to see your family. They must really miss you, or maybe feel sorry for you, because they have rearranged the regular Christmas Eve schedule to have dinner ready at 10:00.


Read

Drinking With St. Nick

by Bill Cushing, December 21, 2022


...St. Nick now moved to another table and started in on “Oh, Christmas Tree,” refilling his empty mug from that pitcher of beer. At times, our St. Nick conductor forgot some of the words but filled those gaps by loudly belting out “Da-Dadada-Da-Dadada” followed by “Da-Dadadada-Dada!”


Read

No Xmas Tree

by Rp Verlaine, December 18, 2022


Just near empty bottles

of very good whiskey

2 women and I drank

during the course

of a week that ended

with us not speaking

to each other since...


Read

Just for Tonight

by Jerri Hardesty, December 8, 2022

 

A shot of rum, Some music, More rum...


Read

Hour

by J. K. Durick, December 5, 2022

 

“Happy hour” around here begins quietly enough. The first arrivals, the greetings, the half waves, The nods. This group knows all the bartenders by name and enjoys the waiter who likes to call himself, “the medicine man”...


Read

Hard Drinking Buddy of Mine

by Mike Dailey, November 30, 2022

 

That hard drinking buddy of mine

He says he’ll go drinking with me any time

As long as I’m paying

You know what I’m saying

That hard drinking buddy of mine...


Read

Dedications

by George Gad Economou, November 3, 2022

 

she used to be my whiskey girl,

always downing Wild Turkey 101 and even after ten drinks

she’d walk straight, hardly showing the effects of the elixir...


Read

One More Beer for Suzi

by Scot Walker, October 23, 2022


...Perhaps I'll go back to the church…Life was so much easier when the Pope made all my decisions.


Pope. Drinking. Pope. Drinking. Drinking. Pope. Drinking. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.


No brainer....


Read

More Cocktales

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

by J. K. Durick, October 18, 2022


...Empties sometimes

Feel like old friends

With the friendship

Used up...


Read

The Captain, Baseball, and Me

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

by Bill Cushing, October 16, 2022

 

As the this year's baseball season heads full speed toward the World Series, Bill Cushing reflects on his experience during the 1978 pennant race.


Read

Gay Bar

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Sixty-Five, Empty

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

by Stephen House, October 14, 2022

 

walking alone along the road, i decided, on the spur of the moment, to go into a gay bar. that’s no big deal; i’ve walked into countless places like this in my life, probably thousands of times, in cities all over the world. but not for many years...

 

Read

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

by Hugh Blanton, October 11, 2022

 

Hugh Blanton delivers a skewering review of  The Night of the Gun, David Carr's 2008 addiction/recovery memoir.


Read

Easter Island

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

City of Lost Dreams

by Lisa DeAngelis, October 8, 2022

 

Lisa DeAngelis' one-act play about a man's unwavering love for his ailing wife, and booze.


Read

City of Lost Dreams

A Tale of Addiction and Self-Aggrandizement

City of Lost Dreams

by Philip Dean Brown, October 5, 2022

 

...We were the only people in the bar. We had

driven from our small town to Chicago where

we hoped a life might be waiting... 

searching the ads for a place we could afford...


Read

Dreams

Soon There Will Be One Less

Jim, Johnnie, and Jack

by Philip Dean Brown, October 3, 2022

 

On the street of broken dreams, she saw

the dyed-blond hipster she’d always wanted

to be. She followed her into the blues club and

watched as her unfortunate role model sat down...


Read

Jim, Johnnie, and Jack

Soon There Will Be One Less

Jim, Johnnie, and Jack

by Mike Dailey, October 1, 2022


They’ve been with me each evening

Since the day I got back

Stints in the jungle, stints in the sand

If you had been with me

Then you’d understand

They help me remember

They help me forget...


Read

Soon There Will Be One Less

Soon There Will Be One Less

Soon There Will Be One Less

by Tohm Bakelas, September 28, 2022


the gang was huddled together,
some loud regiment of drunks
that found sanctity in the exchange,
one spoke up: “listen boys” he said
“i got cancer… "


Read

Bobby Ray

A Terrible Death in September

Soon There Will Be One Less

by Philip Dean Brown,  September 23, 2022


Do you know Bobby Ray?

Yeah, I know Bobby Ray.

Why you asking? I don’t

know. You believe his shit?

What shit?


Read

Hooch Affair

A Terrible Death in September

A Terrible Death in September

by George Gad Economou, September 22, 2022


longing for the embrace of

bourbon as I’m having an

affair with wine...


Read

A Terrible Death in September

A Terrible Death in September

A Terrible Death in September

by Hugh Blanton, September 17, 2022


The death of a most beloved person can stop the world in its tracks... The world was one way just a day ago—now it's another... Mourning throngs will fill the streets.


No, not Queen Elizabeth, you dumbass. Fred Franzia...


Read

Poopstone Jones

Poopstone Jones

Poopstone Jones

by Matt McGee, September 16, 2022


...Buddy said “Hey, you remember Poopstone Jones?”


Frank, his elbow bent and glass of Firestone halfway to his lips, stopped mid-sip, something he rarely did for anyone. “No,” he said. “And you don’t forget a name like that. Don’t think I ever knew him.”


Buddy pointed toward the end of the bartop. “Guy who always sat over there, by the video machine.”


Frank’s eyes flicked over. “Don’t remember.”,...


Read

Percentages

Poopstone Jones

Poopstone Jones

by Thomas M. McDade, September 14, 2022


...Friday nights

in a dirt lot behind

Prospect Heights

Federal Housing

where we’d grown up.

Sipping Narragansett

Giant Imperial Quarts,

a 20% bonus provided

more than forty ounces,...


Read

No Chaser

Poopstone Jones

Crazy George

by Rp Verlaine, September 13, 2022


She's a
lethal cocktail
Of beauty, rancor
daunting dark
landscapes
for eyes
to lose one's self in...


Read

Crazy George

The Barstool is Empty

Crazy George

by Bill Cushing, September 11, 2022


Scott Robinson and I shared a few classes together although I wasn’t at many of them. So “classmate” isn’t the best label; “drinking buddy” would be more accurate...


Read

5/18/22

The Barstool is Empty

The Barstool is Empty

by Tohm Bakelas, September 8, 2022


drunk again at the exchange,

it’s been five months since 

i’ve found myself here...


Read

The Barstool is Empty

The Barstool is Empty

The Barstool is Empty

by Mike Dailey, September 7, 2022


She sat on that barstool most all of her life

This honkey-tonk woman – this long ago wife

Sitting there drinking her memories away

But the barstool is empty today...


Read

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

by J. K. Durick, September 5, 2022


Perhaps if we had time for all this.

You know – hours, hell, days, or

even weeks, months, years more.

We could belly up to the bar, when-

ever and order from the top shelf,

settle in and watch the room fill,

listen to the general conversation

for the group, chat the bartender

up or the person on the next stool...


Read

The Talk

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

by Katrina Kaye, September 3, 2022


...now is the time
when I tell you how unhappy I am
I think you already know
I think you are too...


Read

In Which I Jump Off the Right Train

Plague Poem for Day Eight Hundred and Fifty-Four, Time Enough

In Which I Jump Off the Right Train

by Derek Kannemeyer, August 27, 2022

  

I’ve walked too many hundred

miles in those shoes. Talked too much,

and thought too little, and been unreasonable,

and half right, till it cost me. Like the night

Mike bet I’d never make it

from his flat to the Gare du Nord...


Read

After Nine

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

In Which I Jump Off the Right Train

by Heath Houseman, August 24, 2022

 

...Mr. Morrison and his band of
Feral cats/On sax, guitar, and drums, shipwrecked -
A good thing none of them are driving ‘cause
I can’t follow their notes anymore...


Read

Challenge

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

by George Gad Economou, August 22, 2022

 

...the bottles on the wall are but a challenge,
one day to drink’em all dry and leave your soul
in that barstool to haunt the drunkard that’ll replace you...


Read

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

A Girl of the Streets Wanders In

by Rp Verlaine, August 19, 2022

 

...I know the type. their charms traded so often among men they'd long decided to make succeeding night hawks and failed romantics pay in all the devious ways known to them...


Read

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

by Mercedes Webb-Pullman, August 18, 2022

 

The poet's take on Lord Byron's Lines Inscribed Upon a Cup Formed from a Skull


Read

Let Go

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

by Christopher Woods, August 16, 2022

 

The goal now, as you see it, is to get home. The front has come in early. Wind jars the car on the asphalt. The rain comes hard and cold, makes flashlight beams of streetlights. It’s hard to drive, but it’s also hard to steer. Maybe one too many boilermakers with buddies at Nightlite...


Read

At O’Rourkes

Lines on the Lip of a Skull Cup

Wednesday Night

by Philip Dean Brown, August 14, 2022

 

The long dead Irish writers. Their larger than life, smoke

darkened faces, stared down at her as she poured drinks. Pulled

taps. Listened to the voices. Politics and art. Books. Voices spewed

with Jamison’s ease...


Read

Wednesday Night

Wednesday Night

Wednesday Night

by Tohm Bakelas, August 12, 2022

 

I caught a buzz—first one

in a long time. It felt pretty

good, but then I remembered

I had all these things called

responsibilities; namely: my

kids and the cat...


Read

Hell's Gates

Wednesday Night

Hell's Gates

by Rp Verlaine, August 10, 2022

 

A large angry tattoo on her arm reads- Hell's Gates Are Open-.

How wide? I ask

Wide enough she tells me...


Read

Old Fashion

Wednesday Night

Hell's Gates

by Mike Dailey, August 9, 2022

 

In an old fashion bar

In an old fashion town

Sits an old fashion guy

With an old fashion frown...


Read

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

by Badfellow, August 8, 2022

 

Yet another message about what everyone has been thinking: Hard seltzers suck!


Does anyone actually enjoy these things?


Why are we falling for the lies?


Why do we put ourselves through this misery?


Read

Merganser

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

by Bruce Meyer, August 5, 2022

 

...Late on summer afternoons when the sun appears dusty from a long hot day in the sky and the jet skis have all been put away so the madmen who race the engines that sound like mosquitoes first thing in the morning, roaring up and down past the cottage, go out and eat their dinner at one of the few restaurants in the area and then drive home drunk and knock over deer and foxes on the highway, maybe a porcupine and a few skunks, a parade of mergansers floats past the dock...


Read

Cumann Merriman 1976

An Open Letter to Hard Seltzer

Just Give Me A Minute

by Norma Jenckes, August 3, 2022

 

Cumann Merriman is named after Brian Merriman, author of the celebrated eighteenth century Rabelaisian poem, Cúirt an Mheán Oíche (The Midnight Court). Since 1967, it has existed to promote interest in the poetry, history, literature, dance, music, and traditions of the old “North Munster” region of Ireland.


The Author was there. And she was drunk. 


Read

Just Give Me A Minute

The Back of the Drawer

Just Give Me A Minute

by Jerri Hardesty, August 2, 2022

 

I should have said,

Politely, "No,

I would not care

For a glass of Merlot,"

But instead I said,

"Yes, please,"


Read

The Back of the Drawer

The Back of the Drawer

The Back of the Drawer

by Doug Van Hooser, July 31, 2022


..."who the hell is Kahuna?”

“That was me.”

“Kahuna? Who was he?”

“It was a nickname.”

“What kind of a nickname is that? What does it even mean?”

“It was a sign of respect. It meant you had balls. The balls to do things others wouldn’t.”

“You?”

“Me.”...


Read

Drunk in a Hotel Room

The Back of the Drawer

The Back of the Drawer

by Katrina Kaye, July 30, 2022


The last time we were here, I read Revelations from the Bible

in hotel night stand with preacher precision.

I rattled on about the end of the world, in a quick cadence to distant drumbeats played for strange faces and arched eyebrows that pretend to know the secret of mixed drinks.....


Read

Puckish Life

Ghost from an Old Haunt

Ghost from an Old Haunt

by Thomas M. McDade, July 29, 2022


The worst part of being a loner

is that all the stories you’d tell

to anyone in or out of the bag

who’d lend even half an ear....


Read

Ghost from an Old Haunt

Ghost from an Old Haunt

Ghost from an Old Haunt

by George Gad Economou, July 27, 2022


the old boozehound would always come at 11am;

never a minute too early or late.

Jim, the bartender, would get him his draft beer and

I’d greet him with a half-hearted raise of my bourbon. we had hardly ever talked....


Read

A Simple Order

Ghost from an Old Haunt

A Simple Order

by Bethany Bruno, July 25, 2022


The brightly lit glow of purple summons us in our post-liquored-up state of physical exhaustion from grinding and random make-outs with shadowy strangers on a packed dance floor...


Read

Exchange Poem

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

A Simple Order

by Tohm Bakelas, July 23, 2022


alone at the exchange,

the guy next to me exclaims

'i’m drunk!' and clenches his fist...


Read

Learning to Drink: Barstool Etiquette?

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

by Bill Cushing, July 21, 2022


The author's tale of his first experience in a bar.


The  accompanying  photo is of his parents in 1952.


Read

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

An Absurdist, an Absurdist, & an Absurdist go Into a Bar

by Derek Kannemeyer, July 19, 2022


They sit / They drink / They have no memory of how  / or why they came here / or of how long they've sat drinking / Nudge, says Nock / (they know their names, but they forget which one of them is who)...


Read

Mercy

Out of Dodge

Out of Dodge

by Mercedes Webb-Pullman, July 18, 2022


I party hard and dance ‘til three
drink fine champagne as if it’s tea.
I fill my flute and gulp it whole -
may God have mercy on my soul...


Read

Out of Dodge

Out of Dodge

Out of Dodge

by Jim Landwehr, July 15, 2022


Spunkles the clown drove the stolen ‘70 Dodge Charger like it was a rental vehicle; fast, aggressive... For the first time in nearly thirty years he felt alive... 


Read

By the Pint

Out of Dodge

Last Chance In A Dry Town

by Heath Houseman, July 14, 2022


...Guinness is good for you...


Read

Last Chance In A Dry Town

Last Chance In A Dry Town

Last Chance In A Dry Town

by Rp Verlaine, July 13, 2022


"Another daughter of a judge
asking questions with
two policeman in the room..."


Read

Education

Last Chance In A Dry Town

When I Write

by Thomas M. McDade, July 12, 2022


"I stop at Frank’s Grille,  

full of rednecks but worth  

my long-haired risk since 

the cheap draft beers make 

Nautilus mugs look like shots..."


Read

When I Write

Last Chance In A Dry Town

When I Write

by Stephen House, July 10, 2022


"... i slide around in utter chaos
recording flashes of the bender
in shaky stream of consciousness..."


Read

Submissions

We are looking for work that screams drinks, drinking, and drunk. Please, no work from the anti-saloon league; we are not looking for pieces which herald sobriety, the process of getting sober, or the sober lifestyle. Basically, no sober stuff. There are other publications for that.


We would also appreciate if you don’t try to pull a fast one by submitting something that has nothing to do with drinking except for the protagonist holding a drink as he goes about his non-drinking business. If the drink doesn’t play a major role, we don’t want it.


It doesn't matter if you are established or this is your first time submitting. We are just looking for good, entertaining work.


We are not a paying publication.


Submissions must be between 300 to 3,000 words, except for novellas, novels, and other larger bodies of work. If your work is too short, bundle it with other works. If it’s too long, consider splitting it up into a serialized format.


We use Microsoft Word to read and edit submissions. Do not send PDFs or any other format. Also, please don’t copy and paste your submission into your email; send as attachment only.


For fiction, previously published work is fine but we prefer new stuff.


For poetry, send us up to four poems at a time.


For novels, novellas, or other large bodies of work, we’ll be happy to take a look. If accepted, we’ll publish one installment per week until it ends. If your work is exceptionally long and/or good, we will publish multiple installments per week. For this type of submission, please include a short synopsis (100 words or less).


Our response time is fairly quick. If we reject something don't take it personally. If that happens, feel free to submit a rewrite, but please limit resubmissions to one time per piece unless we send you some specific instructions.


Please include a short (100 word or less) bio written in third person, with author’s picture. Images must be in .jpg, .jpeg, or .png format. No .bmp or .gif. Be sure to send images as separate attachments within the same email.


Please also send a list of social media sites that you would like tagged if published.


Send all submissions to: stories [at] dearbooze [dot] com.


By submission of any work, you are declaring that the work legally belongs to you and you are granting us permission to publish.


Cheers,

Colin Deal, your drinking companion

Copyright © 2022 Dear Booze - All Rights Reserved.